Too Many Twits...

... Make a twat!

That's the opinion of Conservative leader David Cameron, who was speaking to Christian O'Connell on Absolute Radio earlier today.

Cue opportunistic Labour politicians jumping on the bandwagon about DC's offensive language.

Bunch of twats.

Brown What Done It

Senior Labour backbenchers are sharpening their knives after their party suffered a humiliating defeat in the Norwich North by-election.

The target area between Gordon Brown's shoulder blades looks increasingly accessible after yesterday's woeful performance at the polls, which saw Conservative Chloe Smith secure twice as many votes as her nearest rival.

Former Home Secretary Charles Clarke MP was quick to point the finger of blame at Gordon Brown. Writing in today's Independent Mr Clarke claimed the Prime Minister had "vilified Ian Gibson, but not on any fair basis."

Mr Clarke, Labour MP for the neighbouring Norwich South constituency, continued: "This incompetent and unjust style has deeply damaged democratic politics. Moreover the appalling result in Norwich illustrates the important political side-effect that Labour, as the governing party, has been injured worst of all.

"The main reason for the Norwich result was that voters there were quite clear that it was for them, not the Labour leadership, to decide whether or not Ian Gibson remained their MP.

"These voters in no way excuse malpractice on expenses – far from it – but they find it hard to believe that Ian was motivated by greed and thought, as I do, that Labour ended his political career for cynical reasons with no due process."

Barry Sheerman, Labour MP for Huddersfield, said the by-election result was a "self-inflicted wound" and gave the PM notice to improve before the end of the summer recess.

Usual suspect Kate Hoey, far too principled to be a Labour MP in my opinion, questioned the PM's leadership style.

She told the BBC: "The Prime Minister I hope will be looking at how he's looking to lead the party and to talk to the party, and a lot of party members feel that they are not listened to."

If yesterday's 16% Labour to Conservative swing was repeated at the General Election it would see a new Conservative Government with a rock steady majority of more than 200 seats.

Clarkson: One-Eyed Scottish Idiot is a C*$%!

Controversial motoring presenter Jeremy Clarkson has branded Gordon Brown an unrepeatable four-letter expletive.

The extraordinary outburst came as Clarkson was warming up the audience during a not-to-be-broadcast section of the BBC's Top Gear show. He was mocking Government motoring policy when he uttered the words: "The reason you can't do that is because Gordon Brown is a c*$%."

Controller of BBC2, Janice Hadlow, was present when Clarkson made the remark on Wednesday night and is said to have confronted him about it afterwards.

A statement issued by the BBC said: "Janice went to watch a recording of Top Gear as it is BBC2's top-rated programme, and as controller of BBC2, she holds both the programme and Jeremy in high regard. After the recording, she and Jeremy had a discussion about the programme as controllers and presenters often do."

Clarkson referred to the Prime Minister by the same word during a joke at the previous show's filming on 15th July. He has also referred to the Prime Minister as a "one-eyed Scottish idiot" in the past.

Good old Jezza.

Labour Smashed in Norwich North

The Conservatives have won the Norwich North by-election with a thumping majority of 7,348.

The by-election came about when former Labour MP Dr Ian Gibson stepped down amid rumours he was about to be deselected over his parliamentary expenses.

The results were as follows:

• Chris Ostrowski, Labour Party, 6243
• April Pond, Liberal Democrats, 4803
• Rupert Read, Green Party, 3350
• Chloe Smith, Conservatives, 13591
• Glenn Tingle, UKIP, 4068
• Robert West, BNP, 941
  

At only 27 years old Chloe Smith takes over as Baby of the House from Jo Swinson.

The end is nigh for Labour.

Diagnosis by Call Centre

The Department of Health launches its new swine flu hotline and website today.

The service is designed to ease pressure on GP surgeries, which have faced a surge in the number of concerned patients reporting flu symptoms.

Call handlers on the hotline will guide patients through a checklist of questions in an effort to diagnose their condition. Those confirmed as having flu will be given a unique reference number, which they can use to claim antiviral drugs at their local distribution centre.

The current UK death toll due to swine flu stands at 30, with scientists predicting as many as 100,000 daily new cases by the end of August.

Figures released by the Chief Medical Officer, Professor Sir Liam Donaldson, predict as many as 65,000 deaths from the virus by the end of the flu season next Spring. This compares to around 12,000 deaths per annum by seasonal flu.

The Government is drawing up contingency plans for later this year when the virus peaks. Ideas include the cancellation of non-emergency NHS operations and extending the school summer holidays.

Experts believe that as many as 1 in 3 of the UK workforce could come down with the virus, which could have a devastating effect on the economy.

Another Labour Peer, Another Bollock Dropped

Foreign Office minister Lord Malloch-Brown has performed a dramatic u-turn over comments he made in a Daily Telegraph interview.

The former diplomat waded into the current row over Afghani air support by telling the DT's Mary Riddell: "We definitely don’t have enough helicopters. When you have these modern operations and insurgent strikes what you need, above all else, is mobility."

But only hours later the Foreign Office issued a clarification on behalf of Mallach-Brown, saying there were "without doubt sufficient resources" for current operations.

The statement read: "It is important that I clarify the comments that are reported in today's Daily Telegraph.

"On the issue of helicopters in Afghanistan, I was making the point - as the prime minister and commanders on the ground have also done - that while there are without doubt sufficient resources in place for current operations, we should always do what we can to make more available on the frontline."

Too late now - he let the truth slip. With comments like that it's probably a good thing he's walking away from Government at the end of this month.

Beyond Contempt

Richard Dannatt faces incoming
fire from Labour scab.

A leading Labour peer has sparked outrage by publicly accusing Britain's military chiefs of lending a helping hand to the Taliban.

Lord Foulkes of Cummock, a former defence minister, attracted gasps of disbelief in the upper chamber by saying "the public comments of Sir Richard Dannatt and Sir Jock Stirrup threaten to undermine our effort in Afghanistan and give succour to the enemy."

Digging an even deeper hole he asked defence minister Baroness Taylor to remind the two service chiefs "of the importance of loyalty."

The Prime Minister was quick to dissociate himself with Lord Foulkes' comments, although there's increasing Government displeasure that the chiefs have been so candid about the sub-standard conditions our troops are facing on the ground.

Shadow defence minister Gerald Howarth, a former RAF pilot, said: "It is outrageous for Lord Foulkes to accuse an outstanding general of helping to undermine the mission in Afghanistan General Dannatt has not only inspired his men through his military leadership, but has done more than anyone else to generate tremendous public support."

The worrying thing is that Foulkes is only saying what the out-of-touch vermin in the corridors of power are thinking.

Which One's The Biggest Chopper?

Is it (a) Defence Secretary Bob Ainsworth, or (b) a Chinook.

The professional head of Britain's Armed Forces has backed claims that troops in Afghanistan are struggling due to a lack of equipment.

The Chief of Defence Staff, Air Chief Marshall Sir Jock Stirrup, said that an increased number of helicopters would "increase tactical flexibility" and make "more unpredictable your movements become to the enemy."

Contradicting Government claims to the contrary, Sir Jock added: "Therefore it is quite patently the case that you could save casualties by doing that."

Sir Jock's comments come the day after the influential Commons Defence Select Committee warned a shortage of helicopters was undermining the "protection" of forces in Afghanistan.

The outgoing head of the British Army, General Sir Richard Dannatt, said earlier this week that "more boots on the ground" were the key to success in the troubled Helmand province of the country.

Sir Richard is thought to have prepared a shopping list of requirements, which were presented to the Prime Minister earlier today.

Sir Richard, who won the Military Cross just a year after graduating from Sandhurst, is held in very high regard by troops on the ground.

His forthright approach is not appreciated by the Government who, according to the Daily Telegraph, plan to smear his unblemished reputation when he retires from the Army in August.

Interesting Question Time Panelist

Just watching the BBC's Question Time programme this evening.

I see they've got Chris Bryant MP as one of the panelists.

Interesting choice.

Fishy Tactics

Some unscrupulous fish and chip shops stand accused of passing off Vietnamese cobbler as cod.

The cobbler, an ugly looking type of catfish, has white flesh and flavour very similar to our resident seaside staple. Once coated in batter it looks virtually the same as cod, although it comes in at less than half the wholesale price.

The credit crunch has forced some fish and chip shops to employ sneaky cod impersonation tactics to bolster their floundering profits.

But it's a false economy with offenders facing a fine of up to £20,000 under the Food Safety Act.

The first case of fish malpractice was uncovered at the Cat Hill fish bar in Bromsgrove, Worcestershire. The owner was fined £8,000 plus costs, reduced to £4,000 plus costs after an appeal.

John Dell, of Worcestershire Trading Standards, said: "We discovered the fraud after a woman contacted us convinced that the fish she had been served wasn't cod. We conducted tests and eventually found it was pangasius (cobbler).

"There is nothing wrong with this fish and it is widely available here in supermarkets and restaurants. People have been looking for more sustainable fish species to protect cod stocks. But if pangasius is sold, it has to be labelled as such. It cannot just be substituted for cod. That is not fair on the customer or to other local businesses in competition with the fraudster."

Many fish and chip shops sell cheaper cod alternatives, which must be clearly labelled as such.

Next Week at PMQs

I've snaffled this from Iain's blog in case any of you non-Dale readers have missed it:

David Cameron (DC): What day is it today?
Gordon Brown (GB): Typical. Can't ask a question about policy. I'll tell you what Tory policy is on days of the week. They want to cut them. They want to cut Thursdays now and if they get in power, they will cut Saturdays as well.

DC: What colour is the sky?
GB: The Tory party is the only party in the world that wants to cut the sky. We have invested in the sky. We have brought forward spending on the sky and increased it by 0% whereas he would cut it by 0% year on year adjusted for real capital spending inflation.

DC: What time is it?
GB: That is up to the Chancellor to decide. I had nothing to do with it.

DC: Should Freddie Flintoff open the bowling at Cardiff tomorrow?
GB: If the pitch, if the pitch, if the pitch takes off cutters and that is the Tory policy. To bowl off cutters, 10% off cutters, from Mr 10%. Yes, you may laugh, but it is his policy. And I ask him, would he prefer to have Ryan Sidebottom bowling his left arm swing up the hill and into the wind?

DC: Do bears crap in the woods?
GB: Bear crapping has risen under this Labour government year on year where it fell under the previous Tory administration. We have invested in crap while they cut it. The previous government, of which he was an advisor, cut crap year on year while we have increased crap year on year in real terms since 1997. The party opposite is the only serious party in the world that is opposed to us increasing crap.

DC: Are you a liar?
GB: Of course I am. Can't think why you didn't just ask that question in the first place.

Credit where credit's due - this post came from one of Iain's commenters, Fragmeister.

Judging by the woeful performance I mentioned yesterday anything is possible!

Cloud Cuckoo Land

I've just been watching PMQs on the iPlayer. I've never seen such a pathetic performance by Gordon Brown in all my life.

First he announced that the Government was going to increase spending by zero percent, then he told us it was Conservative policy to increase unemployment.

What planet is he on?

I'm not a financial expert but it's simple economics - the country is broke and the only way we can become solvent again is by making savings. Saving means reducing spending - cuts in simple terms. Hard decisions have to be made. In Government you can't please all of the people all of the time.

And it's not a question of the Conservatives looking after the interests of the wealthy minority. Ordinary people - you and me - will have to accept that we're going to be worse off as the country tries to regain its economic balance.

Gordon Brown bleating until he's blue in the face that he's going to increase public spending and buy the nation out of recession is disingenuous beyond belief.

The only way he could possibly increase spending is by borrowing more. As it stands at the moment Britain has more national debt than it has had since the Second World War.

Thank God he's only got a year left.

Robber Biggs Refused Parole

Justice Secretary Jack Straw has refused to give Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs parole.

Mr Straw, evidently having grown a backbone, rejected the Parole Board's recommendation that the doddery 79-year-old crim be released from prison after spending a total of 8 years in custody.

Biggs was originally sentenced to 30 years for his part in the famous robbery, which happened in rural Buckinghamshire in 1963. Shameless Biggs escaped from prison after serving only 8 months. He returned from his self-imposed Brazilian exile in 2001 and was immediately rearrested and returned to his rightful place behind bars.

After audaciously changing the signals to bring the Glasgow to Watford mail train to a halt the 15-strong gang battered train driver Jack Mills before forcing him to move the train to their getaway vehicles.

The gang got away with £2.6 million but were caught only a few days later after leaving a string of clues in their temporary hideaway. Mr Mills was left so traumatised that he never drove again.

Biggs has not shown an ounce of remorse for his part in the robbery and brutalisation of Jack Mills.

He deserves to rot in prison and I hope he does.

National Express Loses East Coast Snailway

The Government has terminated National Express's franchise of the East Coast Mainline after the company struggled to attract passengers.

The troubled operator made a £20 million loss in the first half of this year, as savvy passengers hunted out bargain advance-purchase fares on the internet.

According to the BBC National Express tried to buy its way out of its 8-year franchise to run passenger trains on the main east coast route between London Kings Cross, Edinburgh and Aberdeen.

Transport Minister Lord Adonis is said to have rejected the company's £100 million severance offer as a matter of principle.

"They might well have wanted to pay a certain sum of money, in return for an agreement that they don't have to meet much larger obligations over a long period of time," Lord Adonis said.

"If I had agreed to that, the rail franchising system as it now exists, and is broadly running successfully, would have collapsed."

National Express took over the franchise from former operator GNER in 2007. It agreed to pay the Government £1.4 billion to run east coast services until 2015.

The Government could now strip National Express of its two other rail franchises - East Anglia and c2c.

Richard Bowker, chief executive of National Express, announced his resignation from the company on Tuesday evening.