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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Michael Jackson Dead


Singer Michael Jackson has died after suffering a cardiac arrest.

Couldn't wriggle out of that one, eh Michael?

Shitty Vodafone Customer Service (Again)

You would think I'd have learnt my lesson, having experienced poor customer service from Vodafone on at least two previous occasions (see "Vodafonies" and "More Vodafone Woes"). Well, apparently I'm a glutton for punishment having yet again renewed my relationship with Britain's largest and most inferior mobile provider.

Towards the end of April Vodafone rang me up because, unbeknown to me, my previous 18-month contract came up for renewal. The chap on the phone caught me at a bad moment so I asked him to ring back later that evening when I could be sat in front of the internet looking at pictures of whatever handset they offered me.

I'm a good customer for them because I don't know much about phones, so I always take the first thing I'm offered. On this occasion the first thing I was offered was a Nokia 6210 Navigator.

At the start of June, only 6-weeks after receiving my new handset, a problem developed with the display. It became very low resolution with the characters all "bitty" and a centimeter wide black margin down the left hand side. I tried to call Vodafone customer services to discuss my options for getting the handset repaired or replaced. After about 10-minutes of listening to their canned music I got bored of waiting, so I decided to use the help form on their website instead. I received an email acknowledgement but never heard anything back after that, blowing away their claims to respond within five working days.

Ten days (and at least 8 working days) after my email I decided to ring their customer services people again. I actually managed to speak to a helpful person on that occasion and we agreed I'd take my defective handset into my nearest Vodafone store.

At the Vodafone store, on Grainger Street in Newcastle, I was yet again fortunate to deal with a helpful Vodafone employee, who inspected my handset and quickly declared that my "display has gone" and he'd send it off to the repair centre. I explained to him that the fault had just developed, I hadn't exposed the handset to any extreme conditions and it was only 6-weeks old when problems began. He wrote on the repair form that the handset was in good condition with no external scratches.

Today I returned to the store to collect my handset, only to be told that the damage was not covered by warranty and they wouldn't proceed with repairs until I agreed to pay for them.

How shit is that? Any other retailer in the world if you buy something and it goes tits up after only 6-weeks they'd offer you a repair, replacement or refund. A phone being used normally is meant to last for more than 6-weeks - if it doesn't there is a defect in the materials or workmanship - which is something the retailer (not the manufacturer) is legally obliged to remedy under the 1979 Sale of Goods Act.

So I'm in a bit of a quandary now: do I: (a) pay for the repairs when I completed disagree with the way Vodafone has shirked from their original legal responsibility to provide me with a handset of satisfactory quality; or (b) pay ten times as much to escape from my contract with the scheming money-grabbing shysters?

Either way, I cannot recommend Vodafone because of the abysmal way they treat their contract customers.

In case anyone from Vodafone is reading this my repair number (SID) is: 2470040. I'll also warn you now that I'll be in a belligerent mood having to waste yet more of my time by visiting your store on a second occasion.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Disabled Woman Chases Ambulance

A disabled law student is suing her part-time employer after alleging she was banished to the stockroom because of her prosthetic arm.

Riam Dean, a 22-year old law student, is seeking damages of up to £20,000 from clothes retailer Abercromby & Fitch after being "humiliated" by the incident at the company's flagship Saville Row store in central London.

Miss Dean, who was born without a left forearm, claims she was given special dispensation from the store's strict dress policy, which allowed her to wear a cardigan to cover to join in her arm.

But only a couple of days into her employment she claims managers removed her from the shop floor because the cardigan fell outside the dress code.

Miss Dean told the tribunal that she felt taunted when managers said she could return to the shop floor if she removed the cardigan.

Akash Nawbat, speaking on behalf of Abercrombie & Fitch, suggested to the tribunal that Miss Dean was playing on the true extent of the incident.

Referring to a previous critical medical assessment of the student, he said: "Just as you are exaggerating in the report, you are exaggerating what happened at Abercrombie and the effect it had on you."

As an outsider looking at Miss Dean posing enthusiastically in front of the cameras today, you wouldn't think she'd be quite so sensitive about a virtual non-comment. I don't know what planet she's on when she thinks that 2-days at the bottom of the retail food chain equates to £20,000 compensation.

I suspect she's an ambulance-chasing chancer.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Decision Time for New Speaker


MPs will choose the new Speaker of the House of Commons later today.

Bookmakers put former Foreign Secretary Margaret Beckett as the favourite, although backbench murmurs are less than satisfied at the Government's apparent 'installation' of her as Speaker.

Labour rebel Stephen Pound has accused the Government whips of "touting Margaret Beckett" and said that they should "stop doing it".

"There is a lot of skulduggery going on. It is a depressing example of MPs looking inwards to their own advantage when we really should be looking outwards," Mr Pound told BBC Radio 4's Today programme.

Do we really need yet another New Labour scab holding one of the highest offices in Parliament? Beckett's appointment would make her the third consecutive Labour Speaker, breaking an age-old tradition that sees the Speaker alternate between political parties. Mrs Beckett was recently heckled on the BBC's Question Time programme, after saying a £600 claim she made for hanging baskets was in error.

Also in the running is diluted Conservative John Bercow, thought to have the backing of many Labour MPs after leaning towards the centre ground. Mr Bercow, MP for Buckingham, is a former Shadow Secretary of State for International Development. He was forced to resign from the Tory front bench when he defied a three-line whip on the issue of allowing unmarried couples to adopt.

We'll know who the new Speaker sometime this evening.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Schumacher is the Stig

Some say he naturally faces magnetic north,
and that all of his legs are hydraulic..
.

...We say that the Stig's identity has just been revealed on Top Gear this evening.

Following on from my earlier post I can now reveal that Michael Schumacher is the Stig.

Not a publicity stunt after all!

The Stig Unmasked

Some say that his breath smells of magnesium,
and that he's scared of bells...

...All we know is that tame racing driver the Stig is set to remove his helmet for the first time.

The secretive driver will remove his trademark headgear on this evening's Top Gear, according to presenter Jeremy Clarkson writing in yesterday's The Sun newspaper.

The Stig, best known for throwing high-performance cars around the Top Gear test track, has previously been named by papers as ex-stunt driver Ben Collins - a claim that the BBC has neither confirmed or denied.

Writing in his weekly column, Clarkson said: "Some say he is a postman from Wakefield and that he invented cheese. Others argue that there are several Stigs, who are all grown on a farm outside Nancy in France.

"All we know is... that no one has a clue. But all that will change, when the Stig barges into the studio and, in an atmosphere you could cut with a knife, removes his helmet."

A BBC spokesman confirmed Clarkson's comments: "As Jeremy said, in tonight's Top Gear Stig will remove his helmet for the first time."

No-one is quite sure of whether the Stig's face and identity will be revealed, in what could just be a publicity stunt or joke to boost ratings.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Election Motion Defeated

MPs have rejected calls for an immediate General Election.

The motion, tabled by the SNP and Plaid Cymru, was backed by the Conservatives and Liberal Democrats.

The senior SNP politician in Westminster, Angus Robertson, called for an "historic, reforming election" to rebuild trust in politics in the wake of the expenses scandals.

Shadow Foreign Secretary William Hague said the choice was between a "visibly divided government" or a new parliament with a "mandate approved by the people of the country and the authority that comes from demonstrable public approval in a democracy".

The motion was rejected by 340 votes to 268 - anything less would have been like turkeys voting for Christmas.

Oh well, maybe next week.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Griffin Pelted With Eggs

British National Party Leader Nick Griffin, recently elected as an MEP for the North West region, has been pelted with eggs outside Parliament.

The controversial far-right politician, whose Party admits "indigenous British ethnic groups derived from the class of Caucasion", was holding a press conference about the Party's recent success in the European Parliament elections, which secured them two MEPs and 6% of the national vote.

Members of the Unite Against Fascism protest group approached chanting anti-Nazi slogans and hurling eggs at Griffin and fellow BNP MEP Andrew Brons. The pair had to retreat as the shower of missiles continued.

Speaking to BBC News after the incident Mr Griffin said: "It's a very, very sad day for British democracy,

"People should be entitled to hear what we have to say and to hear journalists question us robustly."

He's right.

As unpalatable as the BNP's policies may be we cannot escape from the fact that Mr Griffin and Mr Brons have been democratically chosen by the people in a fair electoral process.

They have the right to address the assembled media in a safe, controlled and law-abiding manner. Even if Unite Against Fascism don't want to hear the BNP's message, that doesn't give them the right to prevent others from choosing to do so.

Today their behaviour was no better than the BNP's.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Welsh Windbag Supports One-Eyed Scottish Idiot


Former Labour Party leader Neil Kinnock has offered current Party leader Gordon Brown his support.

Lord Kinnock, an outspoken critic of the House of Lords who famously reneged on his promise never to accept a peerage, told Sky News: "I'm absolutely certain that Gordon is the best man to take us through the recession, which is by far the most dominant issue facing the country and on people's minds.

"Secondly, it won't change either because the so-called rebels are very few in number, not substantial and they lack the most critically important feature in democratic politics - what Churchill called intestinal fortitude - guts.

"If they had any they would have made their identities known before now. They would be presenting alternatives both in terms of leadership, and even more importantly, in terms of ideas and strategies to combat recession."

Kinnock was nicknamed the Welsh Windbag by Private Eye magazine and a sizable chunk of the British population. Gordon Brown was famously branded a "one-eyed Scottish idiot" by TV personality Jeremy Clarkson.


Completely coincidentally the day before Neil Kinnock's flowery words of support his wife Glenys was elevated to the House of Lords so she could take up a Cabinet role.

With Kinnock's backing Brown really must be doomed.

Friday, June 05, 2009

Gordon Brown: I Will Not Waiver, I Will Not Walk Away

Kamikaze Prime Minister Gordon Brown made an emboldened statement to the media this evening, vowing to remain in Number 10 until the job is done.

It's unclear what exactly the job is, although it's evident that the increasingly desperate PM is running out of allies to lend a helping hand. Three more Cabinet Ministers announced their resignations from the Government today, joining the seven who walked earlier this week.

The delusional PM stunned a packed Downing Street news conference with blinkered soundbites like: "If I didn't think I was the right person for the job I wouldn't be standing here now."

"I'm not arrogant and I'm not complacent", Mr Brown uttered in his usual monotonous tone.

A quick update on the English council elections: the Conservatives have now taken control of all four Labour authorities up for grabs.

Time to dig out the Yellow Pages and look for a removal company I think Gordan.

Pathetic and Desperate

Gordon Brown manages to cling to his premiership despite ten Cabinet Ministers quitting the Government in the past week.

The three most recent escapees from the Government are Caroline Flint, John Hutton and Paul Murphy, all of whom resigned earlier today. Last night James Purnell sent shock waves through Westminster with his unexpected resignation as Work and Pensions Secretary.

Caroline Flint, former Minister for Europe, cited Mr Brown's "two-tier" Government as her reason for leaving. Ms Flint, a close friend of former Communities Secretary Hazel Blears, hinted that the PM liked to be surrounded by his mates, while female members of the Cabinet were just there for window dressing.

Glenys Kinnock, former MEP and wife of Welsh windbag Neil Kinnock, has been elevated to the House of Lords so she can take on Ms Flint's former role in the Cabinet. You couldn't make this stuff up.

Meanwhile Labour are taking heavy losses in the English council elections.

It's been a pretty good day.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Brown Rearranges Deckchairs on the Titanic

Prime Minister Gordon Brown is having a last gasp reshuffle of the Cabinet on the eve of elections that could force him from Downing Street.

Mr Brown's Cabinet reshuffle was hastened by the shock announcement earlier today that Hazel Blears, the Communities Secretary, is standing down from the Government.

Miss Blears is furious with the Prime Minister over his recent public criticism of her Parliamentary expenses.

"I have told the Prime Minister I am resigning from the Government," Miss Blears said in a statement. "I am returning to the grassroots. I want to help the Labour Party to reconnect with the British people.

"My politics has always been rooted in the belief that ordinary people are capable of extraordinary things.

"The role of a progressive Government should be to pass power to the people.

"I want to help the Labour Party to reconnect with the British people, to remind them that our values are their values, that their hopes and dreams are ours too."

Tellingly the Salford MP omitted to acknowledge Mr Brown in her resignation statement.

Miss Blears' resignation comes less than 24 hours after maligned Home Secretary Jacqui Smith announced her departure from the Government. Tom Watson, one of Mr Brown's closest aides, also announced yesterday that he'll be leaving his role as Cabinet Office Minister.

Meanwhile at Prime Ministers Questions Mr Brown spouted his usual rhetoric about focusing on pulling the country out of recession. Yawn.

It's been a pretty eventful week in the decline of the Labour Government. The way things are going Mr Brown will be flipping burgers in McDonald's by this time next month.

Better buy your "Things Can Only Get Better" souvenir mugs now.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Smith the Stoner Scuttles Back Under Her Rock


Every one's favourite Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has announced her intention to stand down from the Cabinet at the next reshuffle, which could be as soon as this weekend.

Ms Smith, who famously shamed the Government with her admission to using weed during her uni days, has been a walking disaster at the Home Office. She has courted controversy at every turn.

In February news broke that Ms Smith had milked the Westminster cash cow by claiming second home allowance on her family home by imaginatively declaring her sister's home as her primary residence. The Parliamentary sleaze watchdog is still probing that indiscretion.

A few weeks later it transpired that her husband got his jollies by watching porn TV channels at the expense of the taxpayer.

More recently Ms Smith decided to name and shame 16 individuals who she refused entry to the UK on the basis of their political/religious opinions. One of the individuals named, controversial US shock jock Michael Savage, was absolute furious that Ms Smith published his name alongside those of convicted terrorists. Mr Savage is taking legal action against Ms Smith for her lurid comparison.

Smith is an embarrassment to the Government, who are an embarrassment to the nation as Thursday's European and council elections will show.

Her departure comes not a moment too soon.