Northumbria Police On Trial

A jury heard today how an advanced police driver accelerated to breakneck speed before mowing down a Newcastle schoolgirl.

Hayley Adamson, 16, would have been sitting her GCSE English exam the very next day had PC John Dougal, 41, not collided with her in a momentary lapse of concentration.

As I mentioned previously Dougle was on patrol in the city's west end when his vehicle's automatic number plate recognition (ANPR) system flagged a car passing in the opposite direction.

He turned and accelerated to catch the suspect vehicle, reaching a speed of 94 mph before striking Hayley as she crossed Denton Road.

The incident happened at 11.20 pm on 19th May 2008. Dougle was driving on dipped headlights and was not using his blue lights or siren.

Prosecutor Andrew Dallas described his driving as a "grossly disproportionate" response to the situation.

"Driving at such an extreme speed at night in a residential area was highly dangerous," he said.

"It was even more dangerous to do so without using any of the specialist warning devices available to him.

"The speed and lack of warning by the driver not only represented dangerous driving but were also in any fair view significant causes of Hayley's tragic death that night."

Dougle denies causing death by dangerous driving.

Smith the Stoner Titillated by the Taxpayer

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith is embroiled in yet another expenses row, following allegations she claimed for adult pay-per-view television services.

According to the report in today's Sunday Express Ms Smith claimed £67 to cover the cost of her Virgin Media bill, which included the cost of two adult rated movies viewed last April.

It is the second time this year that the wayward Home Secretary has attracted the attention of Westminster authorities over her dubious accountancy skills. Back in February she faced criticism for over claiming second home allowance on her primary residence (see Smith the Stoner Probed by Watchdog).

A statement by Ms Smith said: "I'm sorry that in claiming for my internet connection, I mistakenly claimed for a television package alongside it.

"As soon as the matter was brought to my attention, I took immediate steps to contact the relevant parliamentary authorities and rectify the situation.

"All money claimed for the television package will be paid back in full."

The Home Office have refused to confirm reports that one of the movies involved was "Gordon Fucks the Economy".

Alfie Patten Not the Daddy

In a predictable turn of events it has been revealed that 13-year-old Alfie Patten is not Britain's youngest father.

Baby-faced Alfie shot to fame last month with reports he had fathered a child with 15-year-old Eastbourne village bike Chantelle Steadman.

A few days later, after the morally corrupt Patten and Steadman families had cashed in on the story, rumours started to surface that Alfie wasn't actually the father, but rather the victim of an elaborate scam designed to extort money from less desirable sections of the UK tabloid press (AKA The Sun and Daily Mirror).

The story drifted into the ether when a High Court Judge imposed reporting restrictions to prevent the media from exploited innocent little Alfie and Chantelle any further.

As the rest of the western world wakes to news that Alfie isn't baby Maisie's father I'm sure the judge won't mind me sharing the story.

E-Borders: Big Brother Strikes Again

By the end of 2010 the Government will track nearly every travel movement in and out of the UK.

The new electronic snooping system, e-borders, will require travellers to submit their exact travel plans including passport numbers, names and addresses and possibly even payment details. It will apply to everyone crossing UK borders - apart from illegal immigrants in the back of freezer trucks of course. Anyone caught flouting the law faces a fine of up to £5,000.

According to a report in the Daily Telegraph the massive database will allow the authorities to pry into the details of 250 million journeys a year. It is believed the data could be held for as long as ten years after the travel date.

Phil Booth of privacy group NO2ID told the Telegraph: "Given the Government's appalling record on looking after our data, it just doesn't seem sensible for it to pass details like this and sensitive financial information around."

How reassuring that the Government is going to keep an even closer eye on the law abiding majority.

Royal Anglian Homecoming Dampened by Protests

Islamic extremists provoked a furious backlash at the 2nd Battalion, Royal Anglian Regiment's homecoming parade in Luton today.

A twenty-strong group in traditional Islamic dress waved placards as they vocally denounced the local soldiers as "criminals, murderers and terrorists".

The 2nd Battalion, nicknamed "The Poachers", have just returned home from their second 6-month tour of Iraq in the last 2-year.

In a dramatic turn of events the police had to protect the anti-war protesters from furious Army supporters who had turned out to support their local regiment.

Luton's Mayor Councillor Lakhbir Singh said: "The Royal Anglian Regiment was given freedom of the town some years ago and we are proud to welcome them back. We hope as many people as possible will come out and show their support and appreciation of these brave soldiers."

Defence Secretary John Hutton said: "I can only condemn the tiny minority who used this opportunity to make, whatever their personal views, utterly ridiculous and insulting comments to these brave men and women."

Conservative Shadow Defence Secretary, Dr Liam Fox, said: "It is only because of the sacrifices made by our Armed Forces that these people live in a free society where they are able to make their sordid protests."

These treacherous scum want to consider themselves lucky to live in a country that allows them the right to peddle their poison. Plenty of people - me included - would have happily let the Luton faithful rip them limb from limb.

Breaking Into Jail

Jail guards in Georgia had the surprise of their lives when they caught an escaped prisoner trying break back in.

In the bizarre incident convicted felon Harry Jackson (no relation) broke out of jail on the hunt for cigarettes.

Sheriff Tommy Gregory told journalists that Jackson had climbed over the exercise yard fence, walked a few hundred yards to a convenience store, took the cigarettes, and returned to the prison.

Jackson, who was being held on charges of possession of drugs and violating probation, now faces new charges of breaking out of jail and burglary.

The Lemon What Done It

I'd appreciate it if everyone reading this thinks positive thoughts about the Lloyds Banking Group.

Please don't let their share price fall any further.

Not a Leg to Stand On

Spanish police have arrested an international drug smuggler after discovering his stash in an strange location.

The 66-year-old Chilean man arrived at Barcelona airport sporting a cast on his fractured left leg. Police were suspicious of the man's behaviour and decided to search his baggage, which uncovered a large haul of cocaine hidden in beer cans and the legs of two stools.

Having searched the man's baggage they then turned their attention to his person, taking a special interest in his leg cast. A few drops of drug-detecting chemicals showed that the man's cast was made from cocaine.

Police said they seized 4.8 kilograms (10.5 lb) of cocaine in total.

They believe the man deliberately broke his leg to facilitate the passage of drugs.

Prince of Darkness Unscathed

An environmental protester has thrown green custard over Lord Mandelson in an embarrassing breach of security.

Leila Deen, a member of the Plane Stupid anti-aviation protest group, calmly walked up to the Business Secretary as he arrived at the Low Carbon Industrial Summit at the Royal Society in Central London. After exchanging a few words Ms Deen produced a cup from her bag and projected the contents onto Mandelson's face.

Mandelson emerged from the building a few minutes later and told the assembled media: "She was so busy throwing what seemed like green soup or something in my face that she failed to tell me what the protest was about but, as you can see, thankfully it wasn’t paint and I've come through it intact."

Ms Deen gave her side of the story, saying it was disingenuous for the Business Secretary to attend the summit when he was in favour of the expansion of Heathrow airport.

"That Mandelson is trying to make political capital out of climate change just days after reports that he met with BAA's top lobbyists to push through the third runway is an insult to my generation," she said.

"We know that Mandelson is best buddies with BAA's top lobbyist Roland Rudd, and reports suggest it was him who bullied Energy Secretary Ed Miliband into accepting a third runway. We can't let the Prince of Darkness cast his shadow over west London.

"The only thing green about Peter Mandelson is the slime coursing through his veins."

As a former Secretary of State for Northern Ireland Mandelson should have had protection officers with him, but the street appeared empty of police despite the presence of a high profile Cabinet member.

For their part Scotland Yard played down the seriousness of the incident. A spokesman said: "It's not a murder, it's just someone throwing a bit of paint. There is no investigation underway and no arrest. We would not take action unless we receive a complaint."

What an embarrassing missed opportunity. I mean if you were given the opportunity to throw a liquid at Lord Mandelson surely you'd pick something more debilitating than green custard?

Suggestions below...

Quantitative Easing

The Bank of England is expected to issue more money in its latest effort to kick start the ailing UK economy.

The idea of issuing more money sits uneasy with the British public, many of whom have Zimbabwean visions of spiralling inflation and worthless currency. So what does the process of quantitative easing actually involve?

Quantitative easing is a last ditch attempt to pump money back into the flagging economy. The traditional method of stimulating the economy is to cut interest rates, which should encourage spending. We're now in the situation where interest rates are at rock bottom (5th Mar edit: the Bank of England base rate fell to an all-time low of 0.5% today) and still no-one has the confidence to spend.

In this situation the central bank (the Bank of England) injects cash into the economy by effectively buying assets from ordinary banks in exchange for currency. Cash doesn't change hands directly - what happens is that the central bank increases the reserves of the ordinary banks, which in turn gives them a buffer zone to increase lending to their customers. This should mean more money floating about the high street, which should stave off the serious risk of deflation.

That's the theory anyway, but will it work in practice?

Nobody knows because it's uncharted territory for the Bank of England. The US Federal Reserve and Bank of Japan have been using quantitative easing for several years with an apparent degree of success.

The idea could backfire if the ordinary banks decide to sit on their bolstered reserves instead of passing anything to the customer.

Hold on tight because there's still a very rough ride ahead!

A New Low for ITV

ITV has announced the loss of 600 jobs as its business model buckles further under the weight of recession.

The news coincides with the company reporting a £2.7 billion loss in 2008 after a huge write-down in the value of its assets.

Several high profile ITV programmes will be hit as the company culls production staff across the UK. Employees based in Leeds are likely to be hardest hit with rating-winning dramas Heartbeat and The Royal likely to be axed.

Chairman Michael Grade said: "Current conditions in the advertising market are the most challenging I have experienced in over 30 years in UK broadcasting."

Advertising revenue for the first quarter of 2008 was down 17% on the previous year with the trend likely to continue for the foreseeable future. In response to the economic squeeze ITV plans to deliver annual savings of £155 million in 2009, rising to £245 million in 2011. A large chunk of the savings will be made by scaling back on programme-making.

ITV's latest misfortune comes just a week after it implemented its unpopular decision to slash regional news programming by half.

Goody's Hubby's Guilty

I sometimes amaze even myself with the quality of my post titles!

Jack Tweed, newlywed husband to terminally ill reality TV star Jade Goody, has been convicted of assaulting a taxi driver during a drunken night out.

Tweed, recently imprisoned for attacking a 16-year-old boy with a golf club, wept in court as his lawyer told Magistrates about Goody's poor prognosis.

"She has been given less than four weeks to live", Tania Panagiotopoulou told the bench at Epping Magistrates' Court.

The court warned Tweed that they were considering a custodial sentence.

Tweed and Goody were married in a shotgun ceremony on 22nd February, shortly after she heard the news that her cancer was terminal.

In a moment of populist weakness Justice Secretary Jack Straw relaxed Tweed's bail conditions allowing him to spend the night with his cancer stricken bride. According to media reports Tweed spent the night partying as Goody retired to bed early.

It just goes to show - you can't educate pork.