Fonejacker

Having done a few heavy articles recently I thought it was now time to talk about something a bit lighter and more entertaining. Fonejacker, for anyone who isn't aware already, is a late night comedy show on Channel 4 and their digital TV station E4. In the show the fonejacker makes prank telephone calls to people in a bizarre range of different accents.

For your amusement I'm displaying two different conversations by the fonejacker - in the first clip a 'student' is trying to book tickets for a trip to the cinema and in the second clip Mr Doovdé attempts to find a 'classic' piece of music.





I know you're probably still trying to work out what that song actually was, so I've placed the answer in the comments to this post.

More great clips like this on the www.fonejacker.tv site.

Smoking Without Due Care and Attention

The Highway Code has undergone a major update for the first time in eight years. The revised code, a glossy collection of the rules of the road, refers to smoking as a major cause of driver distraction for the first time.

Paragraph 148 of the revised code reads as follows:

"Safe driving and riding needs concentration.
Avoid distractions when driving or riding such as

• loud music (this may mask other sounds)
• trying to read maps
• inserting a cassette or CD or tuning a radio
• arguing with your passengers or other road users
• eating and drinking
• smoking

You MUST NOT smoke in public transport vehicles or in vehicles used for work purposes in certain prescribed circumstances. Separate regulations apply to England, Wales and Scotland."

Road Safety Minister Jim Fitzpatrick said drivers should not be distracted by other activities behind the wheel. Speaking to BBC News earlier today, Mr Fitzpatrick said: "If you're lighting up with one hand and have a fag in the other hand then obviously you've not got any hands on the wheel. So I think what we're saying is concentration is very important in the prevention of accidents."

But despite the almost afterthought nature of the smoking inclusion, smoker's campaign group Forest has responded negatively to the guidance. Director Simon Clark said: "There are already rules concerning reckless driving and if it can be proved that somebody has driven recklessly they can be prosecuted."

"There's not a shred of evidence that smoking is a cause of accidents, or any more of a distraction than changing a CD or air-conditioning controls." "Our concern is that they say it's just a guideline now but within a year or two there will be people who say 'let's ban smoking while driving'."

Anti smoking organisation Ash welcomed the new guidance. Amanda Sanford of Ash said: "It seems to be a perfectly sensible measure because the whole business of lighting up involves taking your hands off the wheel, so you're not driving with due care and attention."


The new £2.50 edition of the code, 50% thicker than its predecessor, also comes complete with a myriad of other useful advice like: "Never show off or try to compete with other drivers, particularly if they are driving badly."

A clampdown on smoking at the wheel seems to be a very sensible idea to me - let's make it illegal to smoke at the wheel today. How can anyone say that waving around a fiercely burning ember (700 degrees Celsius according to scientists) isn't a possible cause of distraction?

UK General Elections

The 2005 general election result.

As speculation is currently circulating that the Prime Minister is poised to announce a general election, I thought I would outline the procedure of how such an election would take place. Apologies for my UK readers, but as my blog has a global audience I also need to give some background information and define terminology.

Political Background:
The UK Westminster Parliament has 646 elected members, known as Members of Parliament (MPs), who sit in the House of Commons. There is a second chamber at the Westminster Parliament called the House of Lords, but it's not really relevant to this article. Each MP represents a different geographical area of the UK known as a constituency. Each of the constituencies has a similar number of voters - about 70,000. Most MPs are affiliated to a political party, although independent MPs can and have been elected. The main political parties in the UK are Labour, Conservative and the Liberal Democrats. The political party with the greatest number of MPs forms Her Majesty's Government. The leader of this party becomes the Prime Minister, who chooses a Cabinet of senior MPs to oversee particular government departments and responsibilities. The party with the second highest number of MPs forms Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition.

General Elections:
A general election is the process whereby MPs are elected to their constituencies. By default, this also means a general election determines which party will form Her Majesty's Government and which parties will be in opposition. An election must be held at least every 5 years, before the beginning of a new parliamentary term. The election is normally, although not always, at a time of choosing by the Prime Minister. It is therefore shrewd practice for the Prime Minister to call a general election at a time when their Government is popular, in order that the MPs of their political party are re-elected.

Timetable:
An election is initiated when the Prime Minister asks to Monarch to dissolve Parliament by Royal Proclamation. The election timetable is governed by the Representation of the People Act 1983, which imposes the requirement that the election is held 17 working days after the date of the Proclamation. In reality the Government has to prepare for the election well in advance of the 17 day timetable, which is preceded by a six week period of 'purdah'. In this lead-up period the Government is not permitted communicate with members of the public about any new or controversial initiatives. The total lead-up to the election is therefore usually 6 weeks plus 17 days.

Every general election since 1935 has been held on a Thursday and most are held in the springtime.

The Vote:
As a general rule anyone over the age of 18 years who is a UK, Republic of Ireland or Commonwealth citizen and is included in the electoral register is eligible to vote in the election. Certain people are barred from voting - these include anyone who is imprisoned, members of the House of Lords, those who are mentally incapable, any undischarged bankrupt and anyone convicted of electoral fraud offences within the previous 5 years.

People cast their vote at a polling station within their constituency. Polling stations are usually open between the hours of 7 am and 10 pm on polling day. An increasing number of people are choosing to vote by post. Whichever method is chosen the voter only gets to select one candidate.

The Count:
At the end of polling the ballot boxes are sealed and sent to local counting centres, where an army of volunteers count the votes. The volunteers are chosen for their honesty, numeracy and ability to handle large amounts of paper - people like bank and local authority workers. Postal votes, which have thus far remained in their sealed envelopes, are also opened and counted. The ballot papers are sorted into equal sized bundles and stacked according to candidate.

The Result:
UK general elections operate on a 'first past the post' basis. This means the candidate with the most votes wins the election and becomes MP for the constituency in which they stood. In the event of a tiebreak the election result is decided by the toss of a coin.

If the Government retains the most number of MPs in the House of Commons they carry on work as normal. If the Government loses their status as major party the Prime Minister tenders his resignation to the Monarch, who then appoints a replacement from the new largest party.

Have-A-Go Heroes

Jack Straw - Lord Chancellor and
Secretary of State for Justice.

The Lord Chancellor and Secretary of State for Justice, Jack Straw, has wooed the Labour Party faithful by announcing an urgent review of the law on 'have-a-go heroes'.

Speaking at the Party's conference in Bournemouth Mr Straw, four times himself a 'have-a-go hero', acknowledged that the current law wasn't working as well as it should be and more should be done to give members of the public confidence to step in.

Speaking about his experience of tackling thieves, muggers and burglars, Mr Straw said: "I know from personal experience that you have all of a millisecond to make the judgment about whether to intervene."

"In such a situation, the law on self-defence works much better than most people think, but not as well as it could or should."

"The justice system must not only work on the side of people who do the right thing as good citizens but also be seen to work on their side."

Mr Straw has asked Ministry of Justice officials to come up with provisions that state clearly in law that people who act bravely to defend themselves, their friends or strangers will not end up as victims. The government is keen to reform the criminal justice system in a way that tips the balance in favour of the victim, where it should be, instead of in favour of the criminal, who is protected by a myriad of ill-conceived legislation.

Today's announcement comes less than 2 years after Labour bruiser and then Home Secretary Charles Clarke defied the wishes of the country’s senior police officers and victims’ groups for a change to the law. After discussions with chief constables and prosecutors, Mr Clarke said that the existing law allowing 'reasonable force' was 'sound'.

Could there be an election on the horizon?

Human Bear Baiting?

A District Judge has branded ITV's Jeremy Kyle show "a human form of bear baiting" after it drove a man to headbutt his wife's lover in front of a packed studio audience.

David Staniforth, a 45-year old security guard from Chesterfield, accepted an invitation to discuss his wife's extra-curricular activities on the show but flew from his chair in disgust when confronted by his ex-lodger and wife's lover Larry Mahoney. Staniforth launched a head-butt towards Mahoney and left the 39-year old bus driver with a bloody nose.



In mitigation Staniforth told the court that he had been reluctant to go on the show, but decided to do so when a producer told him there was a possibility of reconciliation with his estranged wife Jennifer. He also claimed he was 'wound up' by the rude manner in which Kyle had addressed him as "Davey Boy" and seemed to side with his wife's point of view.

District Judge Alan Berg told the court: "The circumstances of this case are exceptional and the provocation involved seems to be paramount. I have had the misfortune of viewing The Jeremy Kyle Show and I feel bound to make some observations in that regard."

"It seems to me that the whole purpose of The Jeremy Kyle Show is to effect a morbid and depressing display of disfunctional people who are in some kind of turmoil. It is for no more and no less than titillating members of the public who have nothing better to do with their mornings than sit and watch…a human form of bear baiting which goes under the guise of entertainment."

In a side swipe at the show Mr Berg added: "The people responsible for this– namely the producers – should in my opinion be in the dock with you."

Staniforth pleaded guilty to assault occasioning actual bodily harm and was fined £300 with additional £60 legal costs. No compensation order was made.

Responding to the Judge's comments an ITV spokesman said: "We take the safety and well-being of studio guests extremely seriously. It is made clear to all guests prior to going into the studio that no violence is ever tolerated."

"On the rare occasions when physical aggression is displayed, we take immediate steps to contain any confrontation, if necessary involving studio security."

"The programme provides an opportunity for people to resolve pre-existing disputes and personal issues on neutral territory, with the offer of counselling, mediation and support, which is on-going following their appearances."

"There have been numerous positive outcomes from this, including parties who have resolved complex and long-standing personal problems."

"We are proud of the programme's record in this respect. We do not recognise the District Judge's description of our programme."

Human bear baiting sounds quite apt to me. 'Car crash television' is another expression that springs to mind.

Tax Rebate for Troops

Troops from 3 Para in Helmand Province.

It seems like the Labour government is finally beginning to recognise the huge debt of gratitude it owes the UK armed forces.

Today the double-hatted Secretary of State for Defence and Scotland, Des Browne, announced that front line troops will receive a £140 rebate on their council tax for every 6-month tour. This equates to about one quarter of the average Band D council tax bill.

The move comes in response to stinging criticism at the shoddy manner in which the government treats its servicemen and women. The announcement comes in the wake of General Sir Richard Dannatt's observation that the government was close to breaking the 'military covenant' - the unspoken agreement that soldiers who served their country should be respected and well treated in return.

Speaking earlier this week the Chief of the General Staff (General Dannatt) said: "We don't ask for sympathy when we are doing what we are paid to do. But we do what we do in the nation's name. They are not supermen, but soldiers need to know that they are respected for their acts of selflessness and courage... and for their commitment."

Addressing the Labour Party conference in Bournemouth, Mr Browne said: "We will start (the council tax rebate) with those on the most dangerous operations first in a mark of appreciation for the risks they take every day."

"Over the next year we will expand this discount to all those serving on overseas operations. This payment is designed to offset around 25 per cent of their council tax payments while they are on operations. It underlines the Government's commitment to support our Armed Forces and their families."

Mr Browne also pledged to provide UK forces in Iraq with better vehicles, body armour and enhanced air support. The government is to also invest an additional £80 million in modernising accommodation for single service personnel.

Shadow Secretary of State and ex-Army doctor Liam Fox cast scorn on the government's announcement claiming it was superficial and designed purely to generate positive publicity during the Labour Party conference.

Dr Fox commented: "Gordon Brown loves to grab a good headline and pretend he’s backing our troops. But as ever, when you look at the small print, you discover it’s another con trick."

"This will squeeze the front line budget as there is no new money. The discriminatory nature of this discount will fuel divisions within the Armed Forces as it only applies to those serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. The fact that prisoners pay no council tax, while our boys on the front line do, shows how low a priority the Armed Forces are under Gordon Brown."

Today's announcement comes almost a year after the implementation of a tax free combat bounty. The £2,240 bonuses were made available to everyone on dangerous operations for six months or more.

The government is heading the right way on this and not before time. It has long been a running joke that Labour don't know about defence - understandable as, in stark contrast to the Conservative opposition, none of them have actually been there and done that. What we need now is a complete tax break for service personnel on active operations.

Google Mobile for UK?

Last week Ofcom announced plans to reclaim a third of the mobile phone spectrum from communication giants Vodafone and O2.

The bandwidth, used by the two companies for the last 22 years, will be auctioned off to at least three rival companies so they can operate wireless broadband services. Vodafone and O2 will not be eligible to bid in the auction and will not receive any compensation for their loss of network capacity.

Ofcom spokesman, Simon Bates, said: "The process of designing the auction would start next year. We do want to see two or three more operators in the 900-megahertz band, we don't have a view of who that should be – we'll let the market decide."

Of the affect on Vodafone and O2's business Bates added: "We know that they (Vodafone and O2) will be losing some of their spectrum and they may have to invest to ensure that their 2G customers aren't adversely affected by this, so we recognise there may be some challenges for them."

The second generation (2G) spectrum, covering the 900 MHz band, was allocated to Vodafone and O2 (then Cellnet) back in the late 1980s and can handle voice calls, text and picture messages and slow internet access. In the early 1990s two new mobile operators, T-Mobile (then One2One) and Orange, were allocated 2G space in the higher 1800 MHz band. Vodafone and O2 were also allocated some space in the higher band.

By reclaiming the 900 MHz band Ofcom hopes to broaden the 3G spectrum, which allows high speed internet access and video telephony. The lower frequency makes the band particularly well suited for services in rural areas and for indoor coverage. Ofcom claims it would be possible to build a high quality mobile broadband network covering 99% of the population using around 10,000 fewer mast sites per operator.

Speculation is rife that Google could make a bid on the airspace. The corporation is widely expected to announce the release of its GPhone handset and has already expressed interest in placing a $4.6 billion licence bid for part of the US airwaves.

It's a Twister

Some unusual weather has hit the UK today and not before time either. I was getting rather sick at the protracted nature of summer this year - far too much grass to cut! Heavy winds and tornadoes have battered and bruised a swathe of south eastern England. Properties have been damaged between Breaston, Derbyshire in the north and Farnborough, Hampshire in the south.

The Met Office confirmed that a squall hit Northampton, where falling branches damaged an empty school bus. In Luton a violent storm hit at 0700 hrs this morning ripping off tiles and roofs in its wake. An hour later in Farnborough at least 20 homes were damaged and trees uprooted.

Cue a scene from one of my favourite childhood movies - the 1939 Technicolor classic 'The Wizard of Oz'.

Bluetongue in Suffolk

A sheep looking a bit under the weather.
Drooling is a sign of bluetongue.

Breaking news this evening that the first ever UK case of Bluetongue disease has been detected at a farm near Ipswich in Suffolk. The disease, caused by a virus transmitted by midges, naturally infects wild and domestic ruminants such as sheep, goats, cattle and deer. Sheep are most severely affected by bluetongue and cattle, although infected more frequently than sheep, quite often don't display any clinical signs. The disease poses no risk to humans and can not be transmitted naturally from animal to animal.

The outbreak in Suffolk follows an earlier outbreak in Northern European countries including Belgium, Luxemburg, parts of Western Germany and North Eastern France. The European BTV-8 strain of virus, first identified in 2006, is unusual in that it results in clinical signs in cattle and has resulted in a large number of deaths. Since the 2006 outbreak DEFRA has been concerned that bluetongue could spread to the UK via cattle imports or by wind blown midges.

Swelling and ulceration of the mouth
is another tell tale sign.

Clinical signs of bluetongue in sheep:

• Eye and nasal discharges.
• Drooling as a result of ulceration in the mouth.
• High body temperature.
• Swelling of the mouth, head and neck.
• Lameness and muscle wasting of the limbs.
• Haemorrhages of the skin.
• Respiratory problems.
• Fever.
• Tiredness.
• On rare occasions a blue tongue.

Clinical signs of bluetongue in cattle:

• Nasal discharge.
• Swelling of the head and neck.
• Conjunctivitis.
• Swelling and ulceration of the mouth.
• Swollen teats.
• Tiredness.
• Drooling.
• Fever.

Bluetongue is a notifiable disease - suspected cases of the disease must be reported to DEFRA (telephone 08459 335577).

A spokesman for DEFRA confirmed that: "The premises where Bluetongue has been found is under restrictions. The one infected animal will be culled and epidemiological investigations are being carried out to assess the situation. This is the first time Bluetongue virus has been recorded in the UK." The outbreak comes at a bad time for the government, when the country is still facing regular foot and mouth outbreaks in Surrey.

Article sourced from the DEFRA bluetongue factsheet.

Degrading Attack by Monkey Hanger

Anthony Anderson, monkey hanging bastard
(picture from the Hartlepool Mail).

STOP PRESS: Read my post about Anderson being sentenced.

(Monkey hanger is a nickname for someone from Hartlepool)

A Hartlepool man is facing a lengthy prison sentence on charges of outraging public decency. This common law offence covers all lewd, obscene or disgusting behaviour that outrages public decency and, up until only a few years ago, carried a maximum sentence of life imprisonment.

Anthony Anderson appeared before magistrates today and pleaded guilty to the single charge, which relates to a sickening incident on 26th July. Christine Lakinski, a 50-year old with a number of medical conditions, was carrying a box of laminate flooring home when she fell ill in the street. Anderson, of Raby Road, was at home enjoying a joint and drink with two friends when they spotted the helpless woman slumped into a doorway. The three went out and tried to rouse the woman by kicking at her feet but when this failed they threw a bucket of cold water over her. Still unresponsive, Anderson was heard to say: "I'm just going to go and piss on her." He did just that before covering her lifeless body in shaving foam. The entire incident was filmed on a mobile phone camera, as Anderson declared: "this is YouTube material." Christine was later declared dead at the scene and her death attributed to pancreatic failure.

Lynn Dalton, for the Crown, urged magistrates to refer the case to Teesside Crown Court for sentencing because their own powers (up to 6-months imprisonment or a £5000 fine) were insufficient. Dalton told the bench: "Although his actions did not contribute to her death it was appalling behaviour that robbed her of any dignity in the last hours of her life. No human being deserves the humiliation this lady was put through."

The case appears before Teesside Crown Court at the end of October.

What sort of an animal could do this to a defenceless lady? I hope the judge considers carefully all of the aggravating factors in this case and hands down a substantial custodial sentence.

Eight Great Email Auto Replies

Gone fishing?

Just surfing my favourite webmaster community this morning and I found this great list of email auto replies. Thought I'd share it with you all:

• I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

• You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

• I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

• Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

• The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many people did this over and over).

• Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

• I've run away to join a different circus.

• I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'.

All reminds me of the message I used to have on my voicemail - it went something like this: "Hello, you're through to Tom but unfortunately I'm not here to take your call. If you'd like to leave a message after the tone I'll get back to you. Of course if you're a tosser I probably won't."

Is That an Iguana in Your Bra, Madam?

Eagle-eyed Police officers at Blackpool International Airport spotted some unusual activity down the dress of a Russian lady. She was called to one side and searched by a female security guard, who happened to notice an iguana peeking out the top of her bra. When questioned the lady, described as young and attractive, admitted that she was attempting to smuggle her pet into the UK. She managed to avoid prosecution by agreeing to turn over the animal to Blackpool Zoo.

Sue Kendrick, Communications Manager at Blackpool International Airport, said: "Due to the security measures in place at the airport, we are used to confiscating many items. But we never expected to see an iguana."

It's a good thing that she happened to be young and attractive, otherwise this heinous crime probably would have gone undetected!

Between Northern Rock and a Hard Place

I'm feeling huge sympathy for Northern Rock at the moment. The North East based regional bank, which acquires most of its assets from the slowing financial markets rather than its savers, is feeling the squeeze so much that it has just had to ask the Bank of England for financial assistance. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that the former building society remains a major mortgage provider, accounting for nearly 20% of new UK lending. News of the Rock's financial insecurity has received a frosty reception from savers and traders alike, with the share price taking a 32% dive on Friday alone. The market closed at 438 pence per share yesterday evening.


Worried Northern Rock account holders have been queuing around the block to withdraw their savings - a staggering £1 billion, 5% of retail deposits, was withdrawn by anxious customers yesterday alone. Yet despite the massive financial hit Northern Rock has still not taken up the Bank of England's offer of financial assistance, choosing instead to weather the storm by eating into their profit. The bank is also likely to levy higher fees against its customers.


Market analysts insist that it is highlight unlikely that Northern Rock will become insolvent and savers can be reasonably assured that, even in the event that lightning does strike, their money will be protected by the Financial Services Compensation Scheme. Mortgages would likely be transferred to another mortgage company who borrowers would continue to pay as normal. Shareholders would be the main people to lose out.

It'll be interesting to see how much more of a hammering Northern Rock can take before it asks the Bank of England to send over the additional funds.

Death of the ITV Regions

Earlier today Michael Grade, Executive Chairman of ITV plc, announced plans to make the broadcaster the nation's "favourite source of free entertainment." ITV plc, a product of the amalgamation of Carlton and Granada media groups back in 2004, operates 11 of the 15 regional broadcasters that make up the ITV network. It controls all of the English and Welsh regional franchises and owns the digital television channels ITV2, ITV3, ITV4 and Men and Motors.

Grade wants ITV to achieve a 38.5% share of the commercial TV audience by the year 2012. He also wants to boost income from programming, advertising revenue and by making savings from within the company. One money saving idea is to rationalise news programming by cutting the number of regional newsrooms from 18 to 9.

In a statement released earlier Grade said: "By 2012, I want ITV to be widely acknowledged as the UK’s favourite source of free, original entertainment across all popular platforms and devices, not just on television.

"Reshaped, revitalised and redeployed, ITV’s unrivalled assets will ensure that it is once again a top and bottom line growth business. The old ITV competed in a £6 billion market – the UK television advertising and programme market.

"The new ITV will be operating in a market worth double that - including new types of advertising, new and diverse revenue streams, all driven by our premium, mass appeal content, free to the consumer and valued by our advertisers."

I think it's very sad that ITV has forgotten its regional roots. Independent Television in the UK came into existence back in 1955. Due to the primitive technology of the time, VHF signals and televisions of 10 minutes warm up time, the service was only rolled out in a few regions. The North of England, specifically the current ITV Tyne Tees regional area, was a testing ground for the new commercial service. Back then all the programming came from the regional providers - live broadcasts were a rarity and no-one had even heard of a satellite link. The regional franchisees were the foundation of the national network, each contributing their own distinct style of programming to the global schedules. Despite the best sanitisation efforts of ITV plc, global idents and break bumpers, there's still a reasonable affinity between the people and their regional broadcasters - quite simply people like to see local programmes produced and delivered by familiar local faces.

If ITV plc removes the regional news programming from franchises like Border and Westcountry, both of which make minimal contribution to network output, they would have almost no regional identity left at all. But it's not just the sparsely populated ITV regions under threat - viewers in the larger regions like Central, Yorkshire and Meridian will also loose out as local 'opt-out' bulletins, those which target a sub-regional audience, are canned in Grade's proposed shake up.

I hope Grade's attempts to dispense with the regions is put out to grass by Ofcom. ITV without targeted regional news output is like a pencil without lead.

Travelodge Tenants

I've had a break from blogging over the past few days and, what with all the doom and gloom in the world at the moment, I thought I'd cover a lighter story to begin with today. I'm considering another article later today, but we'll see how that one goes - no promises.

This morning's tit-bit is the tale of husband and wife David and Jean Davidson of Sheffield. In the twilight years of their lives, David and Jean don't want to be wasting time on mundane domestic trivialities like cooking and cleaning so they've come up with a rather revolutionary idea - live in Travelodge. For the past 22 years they've managed to dodge utility bills by taking up semi-permanent residence in the budget hotel giant.

David goes on to say: "We get great rates because we book well in advance and we even have our own personal housekeeper. It doesn't get much better than that, does it? The Travelodge room suits us so much better than our first-floor flat in Sheffield, which has no disabled access for Jean. It's important as she now suffers from a bone disease and uses a wheelchair."

By booking a year in advance they are able to get a room for just £90 per week, which includes the cleaning, towels and linen and hospitality tray with all the usual goodies.

Paul Anstey of Travelodge said: "We know Travelodge has really loyal customers throughout the UK but the Davidsons are unique - they've literally made a Travelodge into their home. To recognise their remarkable loyalty, we are going to rename their room The Davidsons' Suite and mount a plaque in reception celebrating their 10-year anniversary at the hotel."

Tube Strike Chaos

London Underground (image from FreeFoto)

Following on from the prison officers' strike last week there's more public sector industrial action. This time it's London Underground workers who are staging a 72 hour walkout in protest at potential job losses and pension conditions.

The strike follows the collapse of Tube maintenance contractor MetroNet. The RMT, organiser of today's action, has been seeking assurances that there will be no job cuts, forced transfers or pension cuts as a result of MetroNet's collapse.

The 10 lines affected by the industrial walk out, which began at 1800 BST on Monday, are the Bakerloo, Central, Victoria, Circle, District, East London, Hammersmith & City, Metropolitan, Waterloo & City and Piccadilly. Only the Jubilee and Northern lines are operating a full service - they are maintained by another firm along with the Piccadilly line, which is partly suspended due to the strike.


Two other unions, the TSSA and Unite, decided not to walk out after being given assurances by TfL. The TSSA has not ruled out participation in a second 72 hour strike planned for next week if the pensions issue isn't resolved.

Mayor of London Ken Livingstone branded the industrial action as the most "purposeless" he had seen.

Biological Clock

A second article today and deviation from the current affairs comment and opinion that I am usually associated with. It's about the biological clock - specifically my biological clock, which seems to be ticking at an alarming rate recently. I worry that I am destined to a life of depressing singledom and there's not much I can do about it due to my crippling shyness (believe it or not).

I think the problem is exacerbated by the birth of my niece Lucy. Given that I saw her just an hour ago she's probably the catalyst for this post. She's a perfect little girl with the most endearing smile and giggle you can ever imagine.

As I race relentlessly towards the age of 27 (old fart) I can't help but feel that two important threads of life's rich tapestry, wife and family, are depressingly distant.

It appears I am by no means alone in this predicament. Dr. Harry Fisch, director of the Male Reproductive Center at Columbia University in New York City confirms that: "there's a decline in testosterone of about 1% per year for men after age 30." But it's a contentious issue and while Fisch encourages men who want to be fathers to do so "sooner rather than later" another fertility expert plays down the urgency.

According to Dr. Larry Lipshultz, chairman of the American Urological Association's Council on Reproductive Health, the loud ticking of the male biological clock doesn't usually begin until a man is in his 50s: "As a man gets over 50, his sperm count decreases statistically but not clinically significantly." Lipshultz adds that: "Men will always make sperm. In that sense, there is not the same biological clock" as for women, who have no more eggs left by menopause.

There's some evidence to suggest that late fatherhood has its disadvantages - not least the fact that an older father will have trouble keeping up with their youngster. Research by Fisch, published in the June 2003 issue of The Journal of Urology, reported the influence of parental age on the incidences of Down syndrome. The investigation concluded that: "Advanced paternal age combined with maternal age significantly influences the incidence of Down syndrome." An article published in the Archives of General Psychiatry (Malaspina et al, Arch. Gen. Psych., 2001, 58, 361-367) concluded that the incidence of schizophrenia in children was associated with older paternal age. Children of fathers over 50 were almost three times more likely to have schizophrenia than children born to the youngest fathers, the research found. The database included nearly 90,000 people.

Oh well, that's enough of the science but the fact still remains that time waits for no man.

UK Police Arrest Cyber Slut

I read on TechShout today that a Londoner has been arrested, charged and convicted under the terms of the Computer Misuse Act of 1990 and Communications Act of 2003. His crimes - heinous as they are - include unauthorised access to computer material (vide s1 of the 1990 act) and dishonestly obtaining electronic communications services (vide s125 of the 2003 act). The offences were committed when the aforementioned gentleman dishonestly procured a Wi-Fi network signal while sitting on the wall of a Chiswick residence.

It sounds an almost trivial offence given all the violent crime that is going on in Britain at the moment. Last week we saw the tragic killing of Liverpool youngster Rhys Jones - shot for no other reason than being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Only yesterday I was sickened to hear that a gang of teenage yobs had been found guilty of stoning 67 year old Ernest Norton to death as he played cricket with his son. Two completely pointless deaths in lawless Britain. But illegal Wi-Fi extraction is a worrying crime - not least for the illicit purposes the signal could be used for.

Detective Constable Mark Roberts of the Metropolitan Police computer crime unit warned that those who were caught illegally using unsecured broadband should fear arrest. Roberts said: "This arrest should act as a warning to anyone who thinks it is acceptable to illegally use other people’s broadband. To do so potentially breach the Computer Misuse Act and the Communications Act, so computer users need to be award that this is unlawful and police will investigate any violation we become aware of."

The Chiswick Wi-Fi thief was given a £500 fine and 12 month conditional discharge by magistrates.